To You

Dear,

I hope you are well.

I was mourning and moaning all morning yesterday until i finally managed to get up, washed, grabbed a random book, a notebook, a pen, and hopped onto a ferry. I was puzzled about my role and I couldn’t figure out how I should move on. I even held grudges against you. So I let myself into an escape to this little island, hoping to free my miseries.

As if it were enchanted, this wall shows up within the 5 minutes after I arrived at the island.

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Initially I was walking really fast, unable to find a place in the crowds, dismayed by the festive atmosphere and noisy kids, but yea, why all these grumpiness and self-guard if I came exactly for the “peace of mind in an unstable world”?

I found a place and started reading. It was a book called ‘The Pilgrimage’, written by Paulo Coelho. It was then I got to know this is a book about a pilgrim and his guide together on the “Road to Santiago”, discovering the nature of truth through the simplicity of life. Here and there among the chapters I found myself connecting the contents with us. And out of nowhere, I got this urge to share with you.

‘When you travel, you experience in a very practical way, the act of rebirth. You confront completely new situations, the day passes more slowly, and on most journeys you don’t even understand the language the people speak. So you are like a child just out of the womb. You begin to be more accessible to others because they may be able to help you in difficult situations. And you accept any small favour from the gods with great delight as if it were an episode you would remember for the rest of your life.’

‘At the same time, since all things are new, you see only the beauty in them, and you feel happy to be alive. That’s why a religious pilgrimage has always been one of the most objective ways of achieving insights. The word peccadillo, which means a “small sin”, comes from pecus, which means “defective foot”, a foot that is incapable of walking a road. The way to correct the peccadillo is always to walk forward, adapting oneself to new situations and receiving in return all of the thousands of blessings that life generously offers to those who seek them.’

You might not know how proud I am of you to hear you going on hikes, picking up exercises, looking for courses, considering different job opportunities, etc. These are signs of you breaking chains, and I am so happy and willing to share the joy and outcomes with you. Getting to sound like the me in the post-volunteering video, there is a great deal of things to discover out there, just if we let ourselves to. And you are doing a perfect job opening yourself to all the little beautiful things that bring you happiness. So, keep going, pack up, go, and pick yourself up! I’m sure you will start appreciating life and loving yourself more.

Another thing I came across in the book is about fighting between dreams and realities.

’The good fight is one that’s fought in the name of your dreams. When we’re young and our dreams first expose inside us with all their force, we are very courageous, but we haven’t yet learned how to fight. With great effort, we learn how to fight, but by then, we no longer have the courage to go into combat. So we turn against ourselves and do battle within. We become our worst enemy. We say that our dreams were childish, or too difficult to realise, or the result of our not having known enough about life. We kill our dreams because we are afraid to fight the good fight.’

‘When we renounce our dream and find peace, we go through a short period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and to infect our entire being. We become cruel to those around us, and then we begin to direct this cruelty against ourselves. That’s when illness and psychos arise. What we sought to avoid in combat – disappointment and defeat – come upon us because of our cowardice. And one day, the dead, spoiled dreams make it difficult to breathe, and we actually seek death. It’s death that frees us from our certainties, from our work, and from that terrible peace of our Sunday afternoons.’

Having read these, conversations of you about being not happy, finding solutions and exits, thinking of suicide hit me. Life has not been easy for you and I realised I have just made it even harder when I demanded attention and solutions from you. It startled me that I shouldn’t have discouraged you right in the beginning of your path of redemption, and I am sorry about all the grumbles I made.

Even if you might be struggling in the past or in the present, I have always believed in you, that you are special, that you are capable to achieve great things, that you could love. And I won’t stop believing because I have seen the passion in your eyes that fascinates me. Because I know somewhere deep in you, you have the drive and desire to fight the good fight. And all I wish is to be there all along, not judging, not criticising, and not dragging you behind.

These are the genuine thoughts I carry home from my little ‘pilgrimage’. Bear with my diction and long-windedness!  🙂

Love,
1000 reasons
4 December 2016